The Dos and Don'ts of Dating Locals
With Valentine's Day quickly approaching (in some lonely singles' cases, too quickly), no doubt that people are thinking about how to avoid a night of solitude watching bad romcoms while eating stale cereal from City'Super. City Weekend talked to two experts about the dating scene in Shanghai and how to date locals.
According to the Guy...
Few ordinary Chinese guys have the chance to date a foreign girl–except maybe those who have lived abroad, or are artists or rock stars. Chinese men are no doubt interested in dating foreign girls, but foreign girls tell me that Chinese men often seem less confident with them.
This may be because most Chinese men don’t want women to be too strong or independent. A local guy may feel uncomfortable if his girlfriend is richer and has a better job than him. It touches on the pride of Chinese culture. So, girls, you must try to understand the local culture before you date. Guys want to be the one who is in control, especially when in public. Try not to quarrel or disagree with him in front of his friends–at least in the beginning. Be patient when he is building his image during the first few dates.
Chinese guys are not better or worse than Westerners. Some want to be Casanovas, some of them are shy and some may even still believe in love. The standard for the right boyfriend remains the same as anywhere else in the world: he should care about you more than any other guy does.
When not busy being the lead singer in the band Elenore (www.douban.com/artist/elenore), Howie Wang writes about culture and nightlife for Beijing Today.
What the Girl Says...
First things first, 80 percent of foreign guys have no intention of a long-term relationship with a Chinese girl. Maybe 20 percent of you are open to real relationships and even marriage over here. I’ll use this space to talk to that 20 percent. I’ve wasted enough time talking to the other 80.
Respect is key. Respect the girl. Respect the culture. A Chinese guy will always pay. It’s not about money. It’s about respect. If you don’t have enough, go to a cheaper restaurant. Don’t cheapen the girl. Make a girl’s friends and family like you too. By being a gentleman, you give her face. Pour drinks for her and her friends.
If a girl asks you to meet her family, show respect by bringing a gift. Family is the heart of our culture. If you don’t have a good relationship with the family, the girl will feel something is missing. Here, the man always takes care of the woman. Maybe your girl doesn’t need taking care of, but woe betide you if the offer isn’t there. You don’t want to mess with 5,000 years of dating history.
From organizing bachelor auctions to writing about relationships in Chinese rags, Li Yan is an expert on the dating scene.
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jesus narf, someone hurt you real bad... heal and grow, my friend, heal and grow...
Poor Narf. Poor hetero men in China.[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
How to date a nice Shanghai boy (上海好男生):[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Be aggressive. Apart from the players and fetishists, the local boys will a. assume you don’t speak Mandarin, b. presume rejection from a foreign girl, and c. are used to the…assertive…ways of Shanghai girls. They will make moon eyes at you across the office or gym for months or years to convey their sentiments, but you usually must venture the grab-and-kiss. Oh, they’ll take charge of moves 2 onward, but the first falls to you.[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Be prepared for intensity, earnestness and moving fast. Chinese guys over 28, younger in some cases, are raring to get married and procreatin’. Expect regular marriage proposals from flings – it is the price of schtupping a tall, hunky Shanghai boy who will carry your bags, clean your flat and cook for you. (Happily scantily clad on the last two – Shanghai boys take good care of themselves, and like to show it off, especially in this weather.)[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Don’t fight the bag carrying, cooking and cleaning. It is how they show their love, and how they show off. (They’re used to having bought the bag anyways, and now are bragging to your friends how low maintenance you are. And other brags about us that we don’t want to know.)[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Befriend his parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents. Since you’re probably here without your family, they will take you in, and take your side, and even if you break up with him they will keep you. [HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
One of the fairer stereotypes of Chinese people is that they generally avoid direct conflict. So expect weird passive-aggressive fights over absurd little things that stand in for real issues. (Which may not be unique to Chinese guys.)[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Learn each other’s languages and cultures. Don’t just operate in his, or vice versa.[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
His insecurity if you earn more or have a better job is a macho sexist thing, not a “Chinese cultural pride” thing, just one that is more acceptable here than some parts of the West. Tell him to get over it or you'll carry your own damn purse.[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
That said, Shanghai guys love women who are strong and independent. They are much less threatened by kickass women than most Western guys, and will celebrate rather than trying to “tame” you. Note that this is a quality common to Eastern Coastal Chinese guys that does not extend to the rest of China. [HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
Never take dating advice from, or date, a local guy (or a Beijing guy, or any guy) with dumb facial hair or a comb-over.[HTML_REMOVED][HTML_REMOVED]
"jesus narf, someone hurt you real bad... heal and grow, my friend, heal and grow... "
I don't want to release my pain, I NEED my pain!
@lisamovius. Amazing points. Seriously.
My girlfriend is Shanghainese and she definitely does not require access to my credit cards. But, yeah, she makes a long face when I complain that carrying her bag is 太丢脸! Not all Shanghai ladies are cut from the same cloth, clearly. One thing she is stuck on is not wanting to live in Beijing. That's been a tough sell.
@ narsfweasels I think the point about keeping a diary of events and restaurants is a hilarious and clever idea. Perhaps you could keep a list taped to the fridge?
Thanks Clairebared, believe it or not, it does work!
I like to write the restaurant names in blood or 100RMB notes I've run through a blender. It gives it an extra effect.
@weasels
coughmasochistcough
Hey, I put up with you for an evening, didn't I?
You'd think I'd be able to tolerate anything after that...
Nah, love ya really .x.x.x.
Great points ! Thanks for sharing with us
DO: have at least 20,000 RMB spare every month when dating a "Shanghai One" girl.
DON'T: Expect any return of gifts, affection, love or kindness when dating the above.
DO: Keep a tin with some money in your house, just in case she finds your credit card. Also, hide it where you keep the cleaning fluids - she will never find any money kept near housework-related stuff.
DON'T: Assume that "I love you" means "I love you" it normally means "Your wallet is full, so I am still here."
DO: Keep a diary of events and restaurants listed so that when she says "you never take me anywhere!" you can show her where you have been recently.
DON'T: Mention the war.